


New Jersey

by Teeelsie



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Coda s05e05, First Time, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-26
Updated: 2014-10-30
Packaged: 2018-02-22 15:14:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2512256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teeelsie/pseuds/Teeelsie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because I just can't believe that Steve wouldn't go to New Jersey with Danny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Honolulu

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh. Was kind of frustrated about s5e05. After everything they've been through, are we really supposed to believe that Steve will go to Colombia for Danny, and then stay in Hawaii while Danny takes the hellish trip back home alone? So to make myself feel better, I wrote this as slash, because I like that best. Another catharsis for me...

 

 

The night they return from Colombia, when they get home to his house, Danny stands lost in his dining room, the ghost of $13 million worthless dollars haunting him. Steve walks silently up to where he stands, wraps his arms tightly around Danny and just holds on; the tears that had refused to come before, flow silently and unchecked for the first time, as Danny clutches onto Steve and tucks his face into his shoulder. They stand there together for several minutes before Danny manages to pull himself together and withdraw from Steve’s arms. “Thanks,” he mumbles, not quite having the emotional fortitude to look Steve directly in the eyes.

 

“Anytime, Danny… You gonna call your folks?” Steve asks hesitantly.

 

“Uh, not now – I wanna wait for confirmation, you know, just in case..." but Danny doesn't finish because deep down, they both know it was Matt in that oil drum.  "I think I’m going to take a shower and try to sleep for a while. Probably won’t be able to though.”

 

But Danny surprises them both and actually fell virtually comatose for several hours, so it’s close to noon by the time he drags himself out of bed. He finds that Steve is still there, looking freshly-showered and in clean clothes, and he is in Danny’s kitchen with coffee made and scrambling up some eggs.

 

“Christ, this is why I love you,” Danny says as he stumbles in with conspicuous bedhead.

 

Steve’s heart does a little tumble in his chest and he smiles. “I thought it was because I’m always willing to risk both our lives at any given moment.” Steve chuckles, but then stops abruptly when he realizes what he’s just said. Shit… sometimes his mouth moves faster than his brain. He looks cautiously over at Danny, but instead of stress he sees his own small smile reflected back.

 

“Yeah, that too.”

 

Steve internally sighs with relief as he places a plate on the table and watches Danny dig into the food. Today is going to be a tough enough day all-around without him adding to Danny’s heartache. Steve sits down across from Danny and lets his partner finish his meal before he marshals his reserves and plunges ahead with what this day requires of them.

 

“Listen, Danny, I, uh, I talked to Max a little while ago. The dental records confirmed it was Matt. I’m really sorry, buddy.”

 

Danny sets down his fork, pushes his empty plate away from himself, and scrubs his face with his hand. “Yeah, well, that’s not a surprise, right? I mean, we both knew it would be.”

 

“I know. But I also know that doesn’t make this any easier.”

 

Danny nods slowly at that, then lays his head on his hands on the table and lets out a long sigh, his breath quavering a little. Eventually, he lifts his head, looking out the window. “OK. So I guess I need to call my parents. God, that's gonna be...  And… I have to go see Grace – tell her.” Danny’s voice hitches a little, but he continues on. “Then, uh, I guess I need to call Max and make arrangements to have Matty sent back to New Jersey. Then... plane tickets. What else?” Danny looks at Steve, a little lost. “Am I missing anything?”

 

“Danny, let me take care of getting Matty back home to Jersey for you, OK? You just worry about your family and Gracie, and leave the other stuff to me.”

 

Danny stares at his partner, trying to process around his swirling emotions. On the one hand, Danny feels the need to take care of all of this mess himself – after all, it’s his fault they’re here doing this in the first place – and Matty is his responsibility. But on the other hand, he recognizes that he’s on an emotional brink right now and if he tries to do this all himself, he thinks he might actually fall apart. There are only two people in the world that Danny would entrust this final trip of his brother’s to at this moment, and they are both sitting at this table, so he clears his throat and says, “Um, okay, that… I’d really appreciate that, actually,” gratitude apparent in his voice.

 

5o5o5o5o5o 

  

Danny goes to shower and dress while Steve cleans-up from the meal.   He's putting away the dishes when his partner walks into the kitchen, phone in his hand, tension visible in every line of his face. “Okay, I guess I can’t put this off any longer, huh?” Steve can hear the dread in Danny’s words.

 

Steve says nothing as Danny dials his parents’ number. He is surprised; he thought his partner would want privacy for this conversation, but then he realizes that maybe what Danny wants more is Steve’s moral support, so he watches closely, scrutinizing every shift in Danny’s expression. The call is painful to watch and listen to; Danny's guilt, grief and devastation are all visible and audible. After just a few seconds, he can see Danny is close to losing it so he quickly steps close to put his hand on his partner's shoulder, squeezing firmly to try to give some comfort and shore him up. It seems to help, as he feels Danny relax minutely under his touch, so he leaves his hand there for the duration of the call.

 

Somehow Danny manages to maintain control until he hangs up, but as soon as he does, a desperate sobs escapes his lips.

 

“Danny…” Steve starts to move closer still, but Danny puts up his hand.

 

“I’m okay… I’m okay. Thanks… thanks for…”

 

“Sure, buddy. Anytime, you know that.”

 

Danny gives him a weak smile, then straightens up, trying to fortify himself for the next challenge of the day. “I guess I better head over to Rachel’s.”

 

“Do you want me to come with you? I’ll come with you,” Steve offers.

 

“No, no, I think I need to do this part alone.”

 

“Are you going to bring Grace back to New Jersey with you?” he asks gently.

 

”I honestly don’t know. I’m not sure what’s best. She loved her Uncle Matt – she’s going to be devastated. But pulling her out of school for a week, missing her cheer stuff… there’s going to be a ton of emotional crap going on… seeing all my family that way. I want her to have happy memories of visiting New Jersey, not the kind of memories this funeral will give her. Plus as much as I always want her with me, it might be worse for her to be there, ‘cause I’m not sure I can hold it together enough not to upset her more."

 

Steve looks at his partner, trying to assess his emotional state.  “It might actually help, Danny," Steve suggest quietly.  Having her there with you might give you the strength to keep it together.”

 

“Maybe. But maybe part of me doesn’t really want to have to keep it together, you know?” Danny looks at Steve, his eyes shining with tears. “I don't know... I’ll talk to Rachel. We’ll figure it out.”

 

“Okay. Call me if you need anything.”

 

“Yeah, thanks,” and with that, Danny heads to his car.

 

While Danny is gone, Steve starts making calls to make the arrangements to have Matt’s body transported back to New Jersey. Between him and Max, they know enough people and call in enough favors (including one from the Governor, who is surprised and genuinely sad to hear the news) to have the process expedited. They can have Matt’s body ready and on a flight to New Jersey as early as tomorrow afternoon.   Steve calls the airlines next to arrange casket transport, and then puts a 24-hour hold on three first-class tickets – it’s a small thing he can do – to at least give his partner some physical comfort on the grueling flights all the way back to New Jersey. Once Danny gets back from Rachel’s and he knows if Grace will be coming along, he’ll confirm and finalize the tickets.  

 

All of this takes a few hours, and he’s relieved he’s able to get it all done before Danny gets back. Shortly after he finishes with everything, he gets a text from Danny.

 

_< Staying to have dinner with Grace and Rachel>_

 

 _< OK I’ll see you here later>_ Steve types in response. Then, _< fyi, depart tomorrow 2:30pm. Red eye to NJ, arrive 8:00am tues.>_

 

 _< Thank you>_ comes the quick reply, followed by _< You don’t have to stick around>_

 

_< I’ll be here - go have dinner> _

 

Steve gets no further reply, so he heads out to his truck. He figures he has a couple hours at least to go home, check the house and the mail, and unpack his bag from Colombia. Despite what Danny said, he has every intension of being back there before his partner returns.

 

Steve gets back to Danny’s and his partner has still not returned, so he spends the time sweeping and mopping up the dirt that had been dragged in with the buried money a few days ago, and wiping up the dirt and dust from the dining room. He is just tucking away the mop when he hears Danny come in the front door and immediately deposit himself onto the couch.

 

“Hey,” Steve greets, sitting down on the coffee table across from him. He can’t help notice how pale Danny looks and that his eyes are rimmed crimson.

 

“Hey,” Danny replies. “I told you, you didn’t have to stay.”

 

Steve ignores that, because they both know that that was not going to happen. “How’s Grace?” he asks instead.

 

“You know… she’s… awful. She’s heartbroken. Has a lot of questions that I can't answer. Christ, that was hard… I sat with her while she cried herself to sleep.”

 

“And Rachel?”

 

“She’s… well… she loved Matty, too. She was trying to be strong for Grace - and me, I suppose - but I could see that she’s pretty wrecked, too.”

 

“Yeah… So what did you decide about bringing Gracie?”

 

“Uh, Rachel and I decided it was best to leave her here. She wanted to come, but also didn’t, you know? We decided that we would have our own special memorial for Matty when I come back. Something fun in his honor to make a happy memory with… maybe go see the monkeys at the zoo.”

 

“That’s nice, Danny. She’ll like that. Matt would like that too – what with you handcuffing him to the monkey cage and all.” Steve gives a small smile and is heartened when Danny snorts a laugh.

 

“Yeah... She wants you to come along. I told her you would, I hope that’s okay,” Danny adds, sounding distracted.

 

Steve gives his partner a startled look. “Really? She wants me there?”

 

“Yes, really, Steven. Are you surprised? I mean, you know Grace loves you, right?” Danny states matter-of-factly.

 

“Um, well, yeah... then of course I’ll come. I’d be honored to be included,” Steve sputters. He finds his eyes filling a little at Danny’s blunt statement and he’s glad that Danny has his eyes closed where he is leaning back on the couch.

 

“So, thanks for making the arrangements for Matty.” Danny says, sounding very weary, his eyes still closed.

 

“No problem, buddy. We’re booked on the same flight he’ll be transported on.”

 

At that, Danny opens his eyes. “We?”

 

“Yeah, we. I’m coming with you, Danny.”

 

“What? No Steve, that’s… thank you, but you don’t have to do that. You’ve done enough already.”

 

“I know I don’t have to, Danny, I’m coming because I want to.”

 

“Why?” Danny looks at him a little incredulously.

 

“Because I knew Matt, and I liked him. And he was your brother, and you loved him. And you’re my friend, and I love you. And because it’s what friends do. I’m going with you, Danny. I mean, unless… unless you don’t want me there.”

 

Danny looks at Steve for a moment, trying to find the words to respond to that; they both have unshed tears balancing precariously on their lower eyelids. Eventually, Danny composes himself a bit and clears his throat. “No. I mean, yes, okay. I would very much appreciate you coming with me.” Danny feels raw and vulnerable and flicks his glance back and forth between Steve and the wall behind him, because he is honestly overwhelmingly relieved to know Steve will be there by his side through what is to come.

 

“OK, good. Think of me as your wing-man… I can give you excuses to escape every now and then,” Steve pats Danny's knee, trying to lighten the mood in the room.

 

Danny grunts. “Thanks.” But he really means it. He is in no way looking forward to what the next several days will bring. He knows the emotional rollercoaster he’s about to get on will be exhausting and will wring every last bit of life out of him, even if it feels like there's already very little left. Having Steve there as a small distraction from his grief and his family feels like a gift, and he’s grateful for it.

 

“Look, I know I slept ‘til noon today, but I’m beat. I told Grace I’d come by tomorrow morning for a while before I leave, so I’m gonna hit the sack, okay?”

 

“Yeah, of course, Danny. I thought I’d crash in Grace’s room tonight, if you don’t mind.”

 

“Steve, I keep telling you… you don’t have to hang around here.”

 

“And I keep telling you, I want to.”

 

Danny looks at his partner, not sure at what he’s seeing in his eyes. But he appreciates Steve’s resolve to stick with him through this, so he just nods and heads to his room.

 

5o5o5o5o5o

 

Danny is up early the next morning and is somehow not surprised to see Steve already in the kitchen, cooking him breakfast again. “What are you now, my own personal chef?”

 

“Just want to make sure you take care of yourself Danny. I know how tough the next few days are going to be for you.” In a rerun of the day before, Steve puts another plate of breakfast food down in front of his partner.

 

“Well, apparently I don’t need to take care of myself because you will do that for me.” Danny takes his seat and picks up his fork. Steve just smiles and starts to walk away from the table, but Danny grabs his wrist and Steve turns to look at him questioningly.

 

Danny looks at Steve with intent, fire behind his blue eyes. “Listen… thank you. I mean it, really.  Everything you’ve done… I can’t… I can’t thank you enough. Not just the last couple days, but… Colombia… all of it. You have no idea what it's meant to me.”

 

Steve swallows thickly, and it takes him a moment for him to respond. “I think maybe I do… I mean, I do know. I know what it’s like to feel lost and alone… and then to open my eyes and see a friendly face. I can think of a couple of times that I’ve maybe felt the way you feel...”

 

The memories in the room are palpable as thoughts of the back of a filthy truck in North Korea and a hospital bedside in Afghanistan flash in Danny’s mind; he nods at his partner with understanding and squeezes Steve’s wrist before letting go.

 

They are both quiet as Danny eats and Steve squares away the kitchen. He wipes down the counter and then turns to Danny. “I’m going to head back to my place and pack while you go see Gracie. How about I pick you up here at about 12:30?”

 

“Yeah, okay. Sounds good. I’ll see you in a while.”

 

“Give Gracie a big hug for me, will ya?” Steve asks, mindful of what Danny had told him last night. “And... give Rachel my condolences, too.”

 

“I will, thanks.”

 

5o5o5o5o5o

 

Steve picks Danny up as planned and they drive in relative silence to the airport, each lost in their own thoughts for a while. Danny seems to pay little attention to his surroundings at the airport until they get to the gate where he heads straight for the window, staring at the plane parked on the tarmac.  Steve knows Danny is watching to see his brother’s casket being loaded into the baggage compartment, but they must be too late, because they never do see it. Steve finds he's enormously relieved at that - Danny doesn’t really need to see his baby brother reduced to baggage – god knows, seeing the oil drum had been enough emotional trauma for one lifetime.

 

When they board the plane, as they are working their way down the aisle, Danny bumps into Steve and then stares at his partner who has stopped at row 3; he looks down at his boarding pass for the first time. “Steven, what the hell is this?”

 

“It’s called First Class, Danny.”

 

“I know what it’s called, jackass!” he retorts, as Steve stows his bag above and takes his seat next to the window. Steve just smiles.

 

Danny gives him an exasperated look, sticks his bag in the overhead compartment and sits down next to his partner. “Look, I don’t know what they pay the head of 5-O, but I can tell you that they don’t pay their regular detectives enough to afford First Class from Honolulu to Newark,” Danny hisses. But then he lowers his voice. “Seriously, Steve, I can’t afford this,” he adds, uncomfortable and embarrassed.

 

“Danny, don’t worry about it. It’s taken care of.”

 

“No… Steve. I can’t…”

 

“Look, Danny. I worked for the Navy for years, where they housed and fed me AND gave me a paycheck, which I had little opportunity to spend. I have no rent or house payment.   And really, I’m doing this as much for myself as for you; I don’t particularly want to fly coach all the way to New Jersey. Just relax and try to enjoy the extra leg room, even if you don't need it.”

 

“Seriously?  You're making cracks about my height?  Now?"

 

Steve ignores him.  “Wouldn’t you do it for me if you could?”

 

“Yes," he replies grudgingly after a hesitation.

 

“Okay then. I can. So let me, Danno, please.”

 

Danny looks at his partner and Steve can see in his eyes the moment when he lets go of the fight. “You know, this makes me even more pissed-off that I am always stuck with the beer tab,” Danny grumbles.

 

Steve laughs and Danny gives a small smile in return, and they both settle in for the flight.

 

55o5o5o5o

 

It’s dark for the second leg of their trip from LA to Newark, and most of the passengers are trying to sleep. Steve has been leaving Danny alone for the most part, letting him initiate conversation when he wants. He knows grief takes time to process and he hasn’t wanted to intrude on Danny’s thoughts. But his partner is becoming restless beside him and he decides maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to distract him a bit.

 

“I never said anything about it at the time, but I saw you at my dad’s funeral,” Steve murmurs quietly, cognizant of those sleeping around him.

 

Danny looks up in surprise at his partner’s words.

 

“You were kind of hovering around the edge of the crowd. At first I didn’t recognize you because you had your uniform and hat on, and you looked like all the other cops who had turned out. I should have said something at the time – I meant to thank you for showing up there when you didn’t even know the man, but, I guess I was preoccupied. And, you were, you know, kind of pissed at me for getting you shot.”

 

“You were such as asshole, McGarrett!” Danny laughed softly, and Steve followed suit. “I truly hated you those first few days!”

 

“Then why did you come to my father’s funeral?”

 

“Out of respect for the uniform and the man who wore it. And because as pissed as I was at you, and as much as I hated you, I also sort of already knew that I… that we'd work well together. Despite your many mental health issues.”

 

Steve smiles again, and then looks seriously at his partner. “It gets better, Danny, I promise.”

 

Danny doesn’t speak for a long moment, and then his eyes take on a bit of an edge. “Really? Does it? ‘Cause, I gotta tell you, babe, sometimes when I look in your eyes, I see just the same amount of sorrow and pain as I saw the day you pulled your gun on me in your dad’s garage.”

 

Steve blinks at Danny in surprise, at a loss for words.

 

Danny gives him a sad smile, “You think no one can see it, but I can see it.”

 

Steve mentally stutters a little. Can Danny really see through him that easily? He had thought he had become an expert at obscuring his pain; at putting on a brave face for the people in his life. But it did still hit him at unexpected moments – like a brand new ton of bricks – the enormity of the shit he's been through in his life. But those moments were becoming less and less frequent, as he built stronger bonds with the new people in his life - especially Danny, who brought his own special brand of crazy and chaos to Steve’s world. And Grace - a little girl who apparently loves him - and who’s smile makes him happy beyond rationality, for reasons he doesn't quite understand.

 

Steve gathers himself and turns again to his partner. “Yeah, OK, sometimes the pain is still there... but not always.”

 

“What makes it go away?” There’s a hint of desperation in Danny’s voice; he wants the key to how to make all his pain disappear.

 

“Time,” Steve says, and Danny makes a sad, frustrated noise.

 

“And people. Your friends. You have to let us help, Danny.”

 

“Oh, right, you know this because you’re so good at that!”

 

“I know. But I’m getting better at it. I’m letting people in. You, anyway... I’ve let you in…” Steve stops and shifts because he hadn't meant for that to slip out, and the searching look Danny is casting at him is making him a little uncomfortable.

 

Danny just stares at Steve, unblinking, for a minute, and Steve feels riveted in place, unable to break the hold the blue eyes have over him. He has the feeling that something has just shifted between the two of them, but he doesn’t want to examine it too closely.

 

Then Danny finally blinks and looks away, and Steve lets out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

 

It seems Danny isn’t going to say anything further on the subject, and Steve is too uncomfortable to keep this line of conversation going, so he reaches up and turns off his overhead light. “We should try to get some sleep, Danny. The next couple days are going to be long ones.”

 

“Yeah,” is Danny’s only reply as he presses the button and reclines his seat.

 

Steve reclines as well, but is still wide awake and turning over the last few minutes in his mind when he feels Danny’s hand cover his own on their shared armrest a few moments later.  Without hesitation, Steve immediately turns his hand over and grasps Danny's tightly in his own. 


	2. Newark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ach! This was hard! Why do I do this? 
> 
> Anyway, I swear I didn't mean for this to happen, but this is now chapter 2 of 3. I got 3,500 words in, and realized it would have gotten too unwieldy if I kept it to just 2 chapters.

 

 

 

It’s Day Three of their trip to New Jersey. When they had arrived on Tuesday morning, they picked up a rental car and headed straight to Danny’s parents’ house. Steve watched as Danny relaxed into the industrial environment - so different from Hawaii. He looked out the window at the alien landscape marveling at the differences between where he and Danny had lived their formative years, not quite understanding himself how anyone could relax and be comfortable here, but seeing it clearly in Danny’s demeanor.

 

Steve tried very hard to stay in the background after they arrived at the house, but it was difficult. He didn’t want to intrude on the Williams’ family grief, but they all kept grabbing him and pulling him into their inner-circle. Once the introductions were made (there were so many!), there were tears and laughter (both of which Steve shared), and somehow he was swept along and just became a part of the family. His head spun a bit at the frenzy of voices and activity; his own small family had never had this level of frenetic energy. But he found himself smiling more often than not, despite the reason for their presence there. If nothing else, he would definitely return to Hawaii with a greater appreciation of his partner’s personality.

 

But he was cognizant that his primary mission there was to support Danny, so he kept an eagle-eye on his partner during the preparations, the wake on Wednesday night, and the funeral itself just this afternoon. Through all of it, Steve found that he seemed unable to stop himself from touching Danny, trying to shore him up emotionally with physical contact: a gentle guiding hand to the lower back; a light squeeze on the shoulder… Once or twice he’d noticed one Williams or another looking at him quizzically, and he’d thought maybe he should stop. But ultimately he found he was driven by what instinct told him Danny needed, and he became unconcerned by the looks. Instead, he just watched for the little signs he had come to recognize, that told him it was time to step in to offer comfort, or pull Danny aside for a break. He could see the gratitude in his partner’s eyes each time he did, so he kept listening to his gut.

 

There is a gathering at the Williams’ family home after the funeral, and Steve is amazed at how many people are crammed into the modest house. He hovers on the edge of the living room, watching as the Williams’ family and friends talk in subdued voices, an occasional laugh ringing out in stark contrast to the general atmosphere. He keeps his eyes mostly on Danny, who regularly flicks quick glances his way before turning back to whomever he is talking to.

 

There seems to be an endless procession of people approaching his partner – hugging him, touching him, expressing their condolences for his loss. Steve has few memories of his mother’s funeral (farce that it was) but he remembers this from his father’s funeral, not so long ago: the hands on the shoulder; the gentle touches to the arm; the low murmured words of support.

 

It had meant the world to him, but he had hated it at the same time. To hear from so many people that they respected and admired his father – a man who he had hardly known at the time he died – it bolstered him and gave him the strength to keep going that day. But a few people, in expressing their sympathy, had said that they understood how he felt, and Steve found himself cringing each time the sentiment was uttered. How could they understand his personal grief? Had any of them listened on the phone while their parent was murdered? He had had to stop himself from lashing out a couple of times, from asking them if they too had heard the brutal last moments of their loved-one’s life; did they feel responsible for their death? Instead, he reminded himself that they were all well-meaning and smiled and thanked them.

 

As he watched Danny, he knew that in many ways he and his partner now, unfortunately, shared this common experience. Steve could see moments when Danny’s eyes would shutter, probably in response to similar sentiment being expressed; he understood how deeply Danny felt the guilt over what happened to Matt, misplaced though it might be. Or possibly there were curious inquiries about the circumstances of his brother’s death; questions Danny would never be able to answer, even if he wanted to. As person after person approached him, Danny put up a good front, but Steve could see the grief and guilt etched on his face, and couldn’t help but sympathize with how it was wearing on him.

 

He is a sentinel, standing watch over Danny's fragile, emotional state, so as the crowd thins a little, Steve makes a move again - as he had done several times over the last few days - approaching Danny and interrupting yet another round of condolences. “Excuse me,” Steve says to the middle-aged women clutching Danny’s arm. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but, Danny, do you have a minute?"  Steve asks, gesturing to pull Danny aside.   

 

Danny looks at Steve with relief. “Yeah, sure… excuse me, would you please, Mrs. Jorgenson. Thank you for your kind words, and thank you for coming.”

 

Once they move into the small study off the entry and closed the door, Danny lets out a long sigh. “Thank you for that,” he says wearily, rubbing his eyes with both hands.

 

“No problem, Danno. You know I’ve got your back.” Steve gives a weak smile, which Danny returns.

 

“So, how’re you holding up? Can I do anything?” Steve asks his partner.

 

“You just did, thanks… Listen, I think I need to stick around for a while longer, but you can leave, Steve. Really, you don’t have to stay – you’ve already gone above and beyond – way beyond - and I can catch a ride with one of my sisters.”

 

“No Danny, I’ll stay until you’re ready to go. I don’t mind, and I just … I remember what it was like, facing a crowd of well-meaning people, when you feel...”

 

Danny nods but doesn’t say anything. He leans against the wall and closes his eyes, seeming to relish the moment of quiet.

 

After a few, quiet minutes, Danny sighs and opens his eye.  "Okay, I guess I should get back out there."

 

“Whenever you're ready, Danny... I gotcha covered," Steve answers.

 

 

5o5o5o5o5o

 

 

Steve takes up his position against the wall again, watching as Danny makes another round through the living room.

 

“Life’s short… That’s what times like these are supposed to remind us, right?” Clara Williams startles Steve, suddenly standing by his side. Steve had been so focused on Danny that he hadn’t even seen her approaching him - but she is close to him now, a nearly empty drink in her hand, and a determined look on her face.

 

“Yes, Ma’am, I guess that is something of a universal truth,” Steve responds politely, glancing between her and his partner.

 

“I hope Danny will realize it soon,” Clara’s look is penetrating.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean, my son has been sitting on his hands for a very long time for unimportant reasons, and I hope all of this will make him finally do something about it. He deserves to be happy.”

 

“I’m… I’m not following you,” Steve says, confused about what she seems to be trying to say about Danny.

 

Clara cocks her head and gives him a thoughtful look; Steve shifts uncomfortably. After a pause, she states bluntly, “He loves you, you know.”

 

“Um…” Steve coughs and clears his throat; his mouth has suddenly gone very dry, and his mind races at how he should respond to Clara’s declaration. But he calms himself as he remembers that it’s not really a secret, he and Danny do love each other – they’ve been telling each other for months. “Uh, yes Ma’am, I guess I do know that. We… we’re partners, we’re… close.”

 

“But I think you know that’s not really what I mean, don’t you?” There’s a glint in her eye and a challenge in her voice.

 

“Wha… What?” Steve asks, panicked and frozen like a deer in the headlights. And, _shit_ , now he sees Danny heading their way.

 

“You heard what I said, now what are you going to do about it? Time to fish or cut bait, Steven,” she says wickedly, but low, so that Danny hasn’t heard her.

 

Steve is desperately trying to think of a response when she turns to greet her son.

 

“Hey. Everything OK?” Danny asks, looking with question between his mother and Steve.

 

Clara embraces her son quickly and releases him. “Everything’s fine, honey. But you look exhausted. You and Steve should go. Get some rest.”

 

“We’re all exhausted, Ma. I’ll stay and help clean up.”

 

“You’re sweet, Danny. But go. The rest of us aren’t still working on jet-lag after travelling half-way around the world to be here. I remember how hard it was to adjust back after our trip to Hawaii. Go back to the hotel and get some sleep. We’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

“Yeah, okay, Ma," Danny sighs, rubbing a hand down his exhausted face.  "Thanks. I love you.” He gives his mom another hug and turns then to Steve. “Let me just go say some quick good-byes to the family and I’ll meet you by the door.”

 

“Yeah, sure. Whenever you’re ready, Danny.” Steve watches the two of them walk away, and is then stunned again when Clara turns and mimes the casting of a fishing pole at him, before turning back to talk to one of her daughters. Steve blinks, wishing he had imagined that.

 

He works his way to the foyer as Danny starts his good-byes. But Steve knows better than to expect to actually leave any time soon, because he has learned over the past couple of days that a ‘Williams Good-Bye’ is no small endeavor, and takes no less than a half an hour - often more. So he waits patiently near the door for Danny, in a bit of a cold sweat, nervous that Clara may reappear. Thankfully though, he sees she is far across the room talking to someone he doesn’t recognize, having apparently finished with him for tonight. Steve takes the opportunity to gather himself and turn a few things over in his head.

 

He had had something of an epiphany in the parking garage a few months back when he came so close to losing his partner: it had hit him like a bolt of lightning that he loved Danny and could no longer imagine life without him. He spent a few weeks after that trying to decide what that really meant. And then, in moment of vivid self-awareness, when he had looked across at his exhausted partner on the flight back from Afghanistan, he finally admitted to himself that it meant exactly what it seemed:  that if he could, he would be with Danny, in every possible way.

 

But he had put the thought aside fairly quickly and moved on, because life was more complicated than simple desire. There had been Cath and Amber to consider at the time (though both of those obstacles were gone now), but also there had been the fact that there had been no real indication from Danny that he returned the feelings. Yes, there had been a few flashes of… something (like the moment on the plane three days ago), now and then, but nothing consistent – nothing that gave Steve any tangible reason to think it was realistic to pursue. So, for the most part, he had tucked those thoughts away, taking them out only occasionally, to wistfully caress in his mind. And it hadn’t been a problem, really; Steve was used to self-denial, and he didn’t find that part particularly difficult.

 

But now he finds himself reevaluating. Clara had strongly implied – hell, she’d pretty much outright said – that Danny might actually feel the same toward Steve. And, even more, she seemed adamant that they should act on it! But as peaked as his hopes are that there could be something more for him and Danny, he can’t see himself acting on it now, regardless of what Clara might think he should do. Danny is already in the middle of what is likely the most difficult experience of his life, and Steve doesn’t think it’s a great idea to add any more emotional burden to his partner’s back right now. Better to wait, see what happens when they get back to Hawaii. Maybe Danny will have his own epiphany and eventually show his hand, and if so, Steve would be more confident that a relationship is something Danny wants. The last thing Steve wants is to make a move only to have that ruin what they already have; it’s just not worth it to Steve to take that chance. For now, Steve resolves to do nothing… for now, he’ll wait and see.

 

A few minutes later, he sees Danny finally heading his way, but before he gets to the foyer, his mother grabs his arm and Danny turns to her and gives her a long hug. She is murmuring softly in his ear, and Steve looks away, not wanting to intrude on the private moment. He also does not want to catch Clara’s eye again, afraid of what she might do or say if he does.

 

Danny and Steve eventually manage to make it to their rental car only 40 minutes after Danny had stepped away to say his good-byes (Steve feels like that’s actually pretty good), and they head for the small hotel near Danny’s parents’ house. Steve had been surprised that Danny had opted for a hotel when he could have stayed with any number of family members, but he understood as well. Funerals, and the days surrounding them, are always draining, and having that refuge to escape to can be tremendous relief after hours of wracking, emotional turmoil.

 

As they drive, they are quiet, Steve understanding that, having spent the entire day dipping into his emotional reserves to acknowledge myriad guests' sympathies, the last thing Danny wants right now is more of that.  He is glad he can give his partner the gift of easy silence that isn't heavy with the expectation of conversation.  Steve's musings are interrupted as Danny makes an unexpected turn, varying from the familiar route they've travelled the last couple of days.  The reason why becomes quickly evident, though, as Danny turns into the parking lot of a liquor store. “Mind if we stop and grab some beers? I could really use one – or five – after today.”

 

“Yeah, beer sounds good right about now. Sit tight, I’ll go get it.” Steve says, and Danny doesn’t argue with him. He watches as Danny puts his head back and closes his eyes, no doubt relishing the quiet: the physical and mental fatigue has been obviously visible in every line of Danny’s body for hours now.

 

By unspoken agreement, they both head to Steve’s room. Even though they have separate rooms, Danny has slept in Steve’s on the extra bed the last two nights. He didn’t question it the first night, when Danny had knocked on Steve’s door and slumped inside. Once there, Danny had simply stretched out on Steve’s extra bed, wept quietly for a while and then fallen asleep, all without any real preamble or explanation. Steve assumed that Danny was in his room seeking the simple comfort of his partner’s company during a difficult time. They had grown accustomed to each other’s nocturnal presence over the last week, and Steve was happy to share his space with Danny if that small gesture could help ease his way. Steve covered his partner with the blanket from his own bed and laid down, staring across the divide, glad to see that with sleep, at least, the creases of grief slipped from Danny’s face.

 

The next evening, Danny had just followed Steve into his room, not even bothering with the pretense of going to his own, and there was a replay of the previous night.  So it's not a surprise that Danny is with him again tonight as Steve unpacks the beer from the bag and Danny takes off his suit-coat and tie, tossing them onto ‘his’ bed. Steve does the same and then grabs two beers, stowing the rest in the small refrigerator. He follows Danny out onto the compact balcony and sits down next to his partner. Steve smiles at the small irony that even thousands of miles away in New Jersey, he and Danny still end up sitting outside at Steve’s place sharing beer and each other’s quiet company.

 

“Thanks,” Danny says, taking the beer from Steve.

 

“To Matt,” Steve says, clinking the neck of his bottle with Danny’s.

 

“Yeah, to Matty.”

 

They sit in thoughtful silence for a while, drinking their beers and looking at the stars.

 

“So. What were you talking to my mom about?” Danny asks suddenly, startling Steve from his thoughts.

 

“Um, nothing in particular,” Steve responds, feeling uneasy at the question. “You know, you and Matt – and how you two had to stick together as kids to fight all the estrogen in the house.”  It was technically true, he and Clara had talked about that... But earlier, and not during the conversation he knows Danny is probing about now.

 

“Really? That’s all?”

 

“Yeah, and, you know, I was offering my condolences, as well.”

 

“I just ask because, when I looked over at you at one point, you were wearing a version of aneurysm-face that was particularly amusing.”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Steve replies stiffly, taking care not to move a muscle. He knows exactly what Danny is talking about: it was his reaction when Clara had implied things about their feelings for each other.

 

“Yeah, that’s the one – right there! What the hell is that, McGarrett?"  Danny says with amusement in his voice and a smile on his face.

 

As uncomfortable as Steve is at the moment, he can’t help but be happy to see the animation that has been missing from his partner’s face lately.

 

“What? Danny – I don’t have a face right now!” Steve defends.

 

“Yeah, ya do,” Danny snorts and takes a long pull at his beer.

 

Steve just glares at him in mock-annoyance.

 

After a pause, Danny continues. “I’m also asking because my mom pulled me aside as we were leaving and she said to me, and I quote - ‘Daniel, I’ve already talked to Steven about this, and if this has taught you anything, it should be that life’s too short to wait and see. If you are in love with him, you should do something about it – sooner rather than later.’ End-quote.”

 

Having just taken a drink of beer into his mouth, Steve promptly spews it across the balcony.

 

“Wow, babe, I expected a reaction but that was a little over the top,” Danny says mildly.

 

“Danny…” Steve starts, choking a bit on his name. He has absolutely no idea what to say and is slightly terrified that Danny is about to make light of his mother’s comments and disregard the possibility of a relationship – or worse, call him on his feelings and completely reject him. Steve does not want this to be the end of everything they’ve been building over the last four years.

 

“In all fairness, I do think that she had had a few drinks by then. Here’s the thing, though… She’s right.”

 

Steve looks sharply at Danny.

 

“There’s that face again.” Danny laughs, though it is lined with exhaustion.

 

“Danny… what… what are you saying?”

 

“What I am saying, _Steven_ , is that my mom is right. Too much has happened and life’s too short to wait around for ‘maybe someday’… so I think I’m just going to punt here, babe, and see what happens.” And with that, Danny sets down his beer, leans over, gently grabs the back of Steve’s neck and pulls him in to kiss him.

 

Steve is shocked, but pleasantly so - very pleasantly, actually - and he gives in to the kiss eagerly. Danny’s kiss is gentle, but Steve finds he is already dizzy and becoming breathless.

 

“So, I’ll take that to mean that I made the right call?” Danny says when he pulls back from the kiss a moment later.

 

“Yeah, the right call,” Steve’s voice is gravelly and he clears his throat. “Definitely the right call.”

 

“Good,” Danny smiles and gets up, moving over to straddle Steve, which puts their heads exactly even, despite their height difference. Danny looks tired, but there is also clear desire there, and he tilts his head and presses his mouth in again. This time the kiss is less gentle, and Danny’s mouth is open, his tongue seeking entry.  Steve doesn’t hesitate and as he rolls his tongue to meet the other, Danny lets out a small groan, sending an electric shock through Steve’s entire body. Steve wraps his arms around Danny's back and holds him tight.  Danny, meanwhile, has one hand on the back of Steve’s neck, the other resting lightly on the side of his face, and its delicious how perfectly their mouths fit together.  

 

Steve lets Danny set the pace, following his lead to keep the kisses just this side of heated; he doesn’t want to do anything to dissuade Danny from deciding he can’t live without this. But after a few minutes of the glorious slick-slide of tongues against one another, Danny groans a little and then pulls away, bending down to rest his forehead on Steve’s collarbone. “I’m sorry…”

 

Steve feels a flash of panic, thinking Danny is about to tell him that this was all a mistake.

 

Instead, Danny looks back up at Steve with great affection but obvious exhaustion, and mumbles, “I’m so tired, I… I gotta get some sleep.”

 

“Yeah, Danno, you do. Come on, let’s go inside.” Steve gently nudges Danny off of him and guides him inside with his hand lightly on Danny’s lower back. He directs him over to Steve’s own bed and pulls back the covers. Danny glances at him with an eyebrow raised, but Steve quickly says “To sleep, Danny. Just to sleep.”

 

Danny nods, stripping down to his boxers and t-shirt and climbs into the bed, and Steve follows suit. They lay facing each other, but not touching, until Danny reaches across the small divide and takes Steve’s hand in his own. “Thank you. Again. For everything.”

 

“You don’t have to thank me, Danny. I’m here for you, no matter what.”

 

“I know I don’t have to… I’m thanking you ‘cause I want to,” Danny echoes Steve's words back at to him, his mouth quirking up in a half-smile.

 

“OK, buddy, you’re welcome. Now get some sleep.”

 

After a few moments, Steve thinks Danny is asleep, but then hears him mumble, “I love you.”

 

“Yeah, I love you, too, Danno.”

 

“Hey, tomorrow when I’m not so friggin’ tired, do you think maybe we could step this up a notch. I’d really like to step this up a notch.” Danny is practically slurring his words with fatigue now.

 

Steve smiles and slides over to pull Danny into his arms, giving him a gentle, chaste kiss. “Yeah, we can definitely do that.” 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Beginnings and Endings and Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! This was exhausting, and it ended up being quite a bit longer than I expected - hope it doesn't drag on too much. But all of your support and kind comments kept me motivated – so thank you so much!

 

 

Steve watches Danny begins to stir from his sleep; he’s been watching and waiting for Danny to wake for a couple of hours. After Danny had descended into virtual-unconsciousness last night, Steve lay awake for what seemed like hours, his mind racing with the events of the day. He could scarcely believe that Danny was here, wrapped up in his arms, with the hopeful promise of something more to come. It took a while, but he had eventually dropped into his own, more-fitful, sleep - anticipation humming through his veins.  

 

Danny opens his eyes, catching sight of Steve; a flash of confusion is followed quickly by realization and then an affectionate smile. “Hey.”

 

“Hey,” Steve replies, his own nervous smile playing on his lips.

 

“Oh, will you relax?“ Danny says, rolling his eyes. “I’m not going to have a sexual identity crisis and kick you out of the bed.”

 

“Good, ‘cause it’s my bed,” Steve retorts, and with that, the morning’s tension breaks.  Steve eyes his partner.  “How did you sleep?”

 

“Pretty good, actually. What time is it?”

 

Steve isn’t sure; although he’d been awake for a while, he hadn’t wanted to disturb his partner’s sleep by extricating himself from their tangle of sheets and blankets. He reaches behind himself, feeling around on the table until he finds his watch. “Uh, 8:50.”

 

“Jesus! Really?” Danny looks at him in surprise. “I can’t believe I slept so long!”

 

“It’s good for you, Danny, you need it.”

 

“Maybe, or maybe it’s just an escape mechanism, right?”

 

Steve stiffens minutely, wondering if Danny wants to escape from their current entanglement.

 

“Hey - I wasn’t talking about you. In fact… come ‘ere.” Danny grabs Steve and pulls him in, closing the distance between them. He smiles and presses his mouth to Steve’s for just a moment… and then pulls back quickly.

 

“Ugh,” Danny grunts. “Teeth. Need brushing. Can I borrow your toothbrush?” Danny asks, already out of bed and heading toward the bathroom.

 

“Seriously?” Steve questions after a slight delay, looking dumbfounded and still trying to process what just happened.

 

“Yes, seriously.” Danny says, walking out of the bathroom while putting toothpaste onto Steve’s brush. “Sorry – I have a thing about morning breath – besides, good dental hygiene is nothing to laugh about. And trust me, we’ll enjoy this a lot more with clean mouths.” Danny gives him a wicked look and heads back to the sink while scrubbing his teeth.

 

Steve lays in stunned amazement, considering... He never would have guessed in a million years that Danny would be hung-up on morning breath, but somehow, right now, it just seems to make him that much more endearing. When his brain finally catches up and he remembers that the teeth-brushing is a prelude to something much better, Steve scrambles out of bed, making his way into the bathroom. Danny has just finished spitting and rinsing, and he hands Steve’s toothbrush to him, already with a fresh dab of paste on it. “Don’t keep me waiting,” Danny says as he walks back out the door.

 

Steve completes a thorough teeth-brushing in record time and slips back into the bedroom. He sees Danny lying under the sheet - which is pushed down to his waist - one hand is on his chest, the other folded around his head, and he is smiling broadly. Steve notices Danny’s t-shirt and boxers laying conspicuously on the floor next to the bed. Oh.

 

Steve quickly strips off his remaining clothes; he’s already half-hard with anticipation and his cock hangs heavily. He catches Danny darting a heated look between his legs with clear desire, and Steve suddenly feels a little shy, though he makes great efforts not to show it. He slides between the sheets himself, rolling onto his side, facing his partner; Danny quickly follows suit.

 

Steve hesitates and doesn’t move any closer, uncertainty lingering. He is elated to be here in bed – naked – with Danny, but he wonders if this is right, or fair. Is it really possible for Danny to make an informed decision right now – while in the throes of grief? He’s fearful that if they take this step now, Danny may think it is mistake afterward. Or worse, that Steve manipulated him into it. While these thoughts swirls in Steve’s head, Danny reaches over and skims his fingers deliberately over his ribs. His hands are warm and his eyes are sparkling and Steve can’t stop his cock from twitching and getting a little harder. As he straddles the fence between want, and doing the right thing, he flicks his eyes between Danny’s impossibly blue eyes and his wet mouth. He licks his lips, unable to prevent these unconscious tells of his desire; Danny sees and smiles knowingly, causing Steve to quickly lose all resolve.

 

“Come ‘ere already, would ya?” And Danny tugs at Steve’s shoulder at the same time that he scoots himself closer. Steve is still warring internally - but in the end he doesn’t resist and he slides one arm under Danny’s head and wraps the other around his lower back, pulling him in tight. As their mouths finally find each other, both instinctively scissor their legs, bringing their hips in contact for the first time. Steve groans as he feels Danny’s fully-hard cock rub against his stomach; the sensation sends a surge of blood to his own, hardening him instantly. He flexes his hips, causing a jolt of friction between them, and Danny makes a small noise in the back of his throat as his tongue, warm and wet and sinful, glides over Steve’s.

 

Steve makes a command decision: If this is his one shot, he’s going to make it a good one and he moves to take control. He breaks the kiss for a second, shifting to roll them, so that Danny is under him. His hands seek out Danny’s, twining their fingers and pressing them on either side of Danny’s head. He slips his outside leg in between Danny’s, arches his back that so his weight isn’t crushing his partner, and pushes his hips down, slotting their cocks together.

 

“ _Christ!_ ” Danny gasps as Steve lightly rolls their hips together and dips his head down to suck along Danny’s neck and under his ear; not hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough to leave his partner panting. Soon, Danny turns his head, seeking out Steve’s mouth again, and Steve obliges, licking at Danny’s mouth and sliding his tongue in to fold one across the other. Their tongues dance together as though expertly choreographed, slow and slick and deep.

 

Steve rocks deliberately against Danny - one cock rubbing against the other - and with each purposeful pass of his hips, their sweat and pre-come ease the way, making each touch more delicious. A hot, low noise emerges from the back of Danny’s throat, causing Steve to catch his breath and stutter his hips for a second, completely losing his rhythm. He lets go of Danny’s hands - which immediately reach for Steve’s ass to pull him in to find tighter friction – and snakes one arm under Danny’s armpit and back up over his shoulder, using it brace against Danny and hold him stationary. The other hand reaches around Danny’s neck and buries itself in his hair, gripping it - not hard enough to hurt - but firmly enough to hold his head and mouth in exactly the position Steve wants it. Danny grunts in seeming approval so Steve pulls him impossibly closer, presses harder and increases his pace against their thickening erections. After a few short minutes, Danny’s breathing has accelerated dramatically and he has to tear his mouth away to get enough air, gasping “ _Steve!_ ” as he does. Steve’s mouth moves decisively to Danny’s ear - sucking the lobe, tongue lathing the shell - causing Danny to groan, long and loud and thrust his hips up hard to meet Steve’s.

 

Steve has excellent stamina, so even though he’s breathing hard, there is no way in hell he is going to stop, because the friction between them is incredible and he can feel his cock getting harder as his orgasm builds. He moves his mouth back over to Danny’s but they are both so on edge and panting so fast, that all they can seem do is gasp into each other’s open mouth. Steve’s eyes are squeezed tightly shut and he focuses only on the sensation of his cock sliding against Danny’s, making sure that each pass brings them sublimely in contact with each other. He presses on relentlessly for long minutes before he begins to feel his orgasm looming, and when he finally opens his eyes to look into Danny’s, Steve sees his pupils are blown so wide that there is only the slimmest ring of blue around huge black disks. The sight is enough to send him tumbling over the edge.

 

“ _Danny!_ ” Steve utters breathlessly, ducking his head down to Danny’s neck. When he comes, it’s hard and fast, his body convulsing, three, four, five times… and then he stops, holding utterly still. For a few seconds, the room is completely quiet, except for the sound of their paired and frantic breathing.

 

“Danny,” Steve rasps again into his partner’s sweaty neck. Slowly, as though requiring great effort, he raise his head back up and then dips down to capture Danny’s mouth again. This time the kisses are sloppy and uncoordinated, trying to find purchase. After ten seconds of the languid connection, Steve breaks off, gives a wicked smile, and slides swiftly down Danny’s body. He positions himself between Danny’s legs and immediately takes his cock into his mouth, drawing down as deep as he can go.

 

“ _Jesus Christ!”_ Danny cries out, hands flying first to Steve’s head, and then as though he thinks better of it, moves them to his shoulders. Steve is holding the base of Danny’s cock with his right hand, so he takes his left hand and grabs Danny’s right hand from his shoulder and repositions it back on his head.

 

Danny raises his head and looks down at Steve, astonishment on his face. He stares unblinking for a moment as they lock gazes, then Danny drops his head again heavily on the bed. “Jesus!” Danny huffs, a small smile breaking.

 

Steve keeps his eyes on Danny, watching his response to each slide of his mouth and tongue over his cock. Steve has done this before, though not too much, and not for a while, but he knows what he, himself likes, so he focusses his efforts on that. He takes Danny as deep as he can, giving as much friction as possible with his tongue and lips, hollows his cheeks and sucks unrelentingly. He knows he is probably dancing closely on the edge of too much stimulation, but the noises Danny is making don’t encourage him to stop.

 

“Steve… _Steve_ … I’m…” Danny gasps, but he can’t seem to finish the sentence, so he tugs gently at Steve’s hair, trying to get his message across. Steve knows what Danny is saying, but he doesn’t stop and instead just looks up at Danny, who raises his head again and looks, slightly desperately, back down at him.

 

Steve’s eyes smile as he ignores Danny’s urging and continues on. He can feel Danny’s cock thickening in his mouth and he expects him to come any second, so he reaches both arms up to hold on to Danny’s hips, Steve’s mouth coaxing his orgasm out of him. A strangled noise escapes from Danny as his head presses back and his body tries to reflexively arch away from the bed. But Steve holds him firmly down against the sheet, effectively restraining his partner, and Danny’s cock abruptly pulses in his mouth, sending warm come sliding down his throat. Steve swallows repeatedly, riding the orgasm out, refusing to relinquish Danny’s cock, and then swirls his tongue around the glans, making sure he takes every last bit of the sticky fluid. He glances up to see Danny’s chest is heaving and he has one arm folded across his eyes.

 

Steve smiles as he gently releases Danny’s cock and then lays a soft kiss on the inside of his thigh. He crawls back up his Danny’s body, dropping heavy with exertion next his partner. Danny uncovers his eyes and turns his head, looking looks at Steve, both of them still panting loudly.

 

“Jesus Christ… that was…” but Danny can’t seem to finish.

 

“Yeah… it was,” Steve huffs, half his mouth quirking upward.

 

They lie together, catching their breath and not saying anything else for several minutes, both content to lay boneless on the mattress.

 

Eventually Danny breaks the silence, shooting a glance at Steve. “I shoulda known it would be like that.”

 

“Like what?” Steve asks, curious.

 

“Like… you.  You know, all… intense and focused and…” Danny flicks a quick glance below Steve’s waist. “…larger than life…. like you’re on a freakin’ mission to give the world’s best orgasm.”

 

Steve smiles. “Was it successful?”

 

“Yeah, babe, mission accomplished.”

 

Steve laughs, and when Danny joins him, his heart sings to hear that sound he loves so much but has heard so infrequently as of late.

 

“Ah… hey… I’m just gonna take a little rest here for a bit, okay?”

 

“Sure, Danno… take all the time you need.” Steve says softly. He’s spent as well, but he can’t bring himself to close his eyes, observing Danny as he settles into the pillow instead. As he watches, he sees something dark and uncertain flicker across his partner’s face, and then a moment later, Danny is asleep, his face relaxed again.  

 

Worry returns to nudge at Steve’s brain, and he lays awake, nervously waiting to see if Danny will still think this a good idea now that the fog of yesterday’s exhaustion and this morning’s passion has lifted. He finds he can’t keep still, but he doesn’t want to wake Danny, so he slowly eases himself from the bed, grabs some clothes from his suitcase and heads to the bathroom, quietly closing the door. While he waits for the shower to warm, he looks at his reflection, silently berating himself for not listening to his gut earlier. Was that regret he saw on Danny’s face? He’s not sure, but it was… something.

 

He takes much longer than his usual three-minute shower, putting his hands up to lean against the wall, head down, trying to wash his own regrets down the drain. He should never have ignored his instincts – which have always served him well – and given in to his own desire when Danny is at his most vulnerable. He spends a few more minutes under the hot spray, hoping they haven’t ruined everything.

 

After Steve showers, he shaves and brushes his teeth again and gets dressed. When he quietly walks back out to the bedroom, he’s surprised to see Danny is gone from the bed. He has a moment of panic that he’s gone back to his own room, before he glimpses his partner on the balcony. He walks to the open door and Danny gives him a somber “Hey.”

 

“Hey. You didn’t sleep very long.”

 

“Long enough, I guess.”

 

There has been a definite mood shift. The smiling eyes and laughter of just 20 minutes ago have been replaced by pain once again. Steve remembers this - the uncontrollable yo-yo of emotions – feeling fine one minute and then having the freight-train of grief slam into him again.

 

“You okay, Danny?”

 

“Huh? Yeah… yeah, I’m fine.”

 

“Look, Danny. I totally understand if you want to forget about what just happened in there…” Steve says, not meaning the words even a little bit and praying that Danny doesn’t take him up on it.

 

Danny sighs deeply and scrubs his hands over his face. “No…I don’t. I just…” But he doesn’t finish; he is looking across the way, not even remotely in Steve’s direction.

 

Steve shifts uneasily in the doorway, not sure how to interpret the silence that is building.

 

Danny puts his head back on the chair and closes his eyes. “It just feels wrong - being happy, when… at a time like this.”

 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”

 

“Stop, Steve. It’s not your fault. I was equally complicit – more actually. I could see you were hesitating and I pushed for it. It’s me that should be apologizing.” Danny’s voice sounds weary to the bone.

 

“So, where do we go from here?”

 

“I’m not sure,” he replies, as he finally turns to look at Steve.

 

“I gotta be honest Danny, I don’t want to lose this. I… I think I’m going to have to fight for it.”

 

Danny looks at Steve carefully. “I wanna fight for it too, but… I already feel guilty for Matty’s death, and now adding more guilt for moving on so quickly... I just… I don’t think I can take any more self-loathing right now.” A small sound of pain escapes his lips.

 

Steve moves over and sits down in the chair he occupied last night. “Finding a small piece of happiness doesn’t mean you have to stop grieving, Danny. Allowing yourself to just carve out a bit of that grief to make room for something else can be okay. They _can_ coexist…”

 

Danny doesn’t respond, but looks at Steve, conflicting emotions battling on his face.

 

“Remember last night when you asked me what your mom and I were talking about?” Steve continues.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“She was sort of calling me on my feelings, but she also said that you deserve to be happy. She’s right, Danny. You’ve been dealing with this stuff with Matty for the last four years. And all the ups and downs with Rachel... I’ve seen how it’s affected you. We’ve both been fighting demons for a long time – and it seems like maybe it can be our turn to have something good in our lives.”

 

“I know, but… I don’t know… maybe it’s too much right now.” Danny’s voice is tinged with sadness.

 

“Look, I don’t want to be coercing you into something – ever – much less at a time like this. But, can we maybe just set this aside for a while? Not make any decisions, one way or another? We can sort it out later, when things are clearer, and not so fresh and raw.”

 

“Yeah, okay.”

 

“The ball is in your court, Danny. When you figure this out – one way or the other – I’ll be here. I’ll accept whatever you decide, but just so we’re clear… I want this, Danny. I want to be with you. I decided that a long time ago.”

 

Danny gives Steve a penetrating look, then blinks and looks away. “Okay, thanks…” he says eventually. “I should go shower and head back over to my parents’ house.”

 

Danny gets up and walks back in, heading toward the bathroom while Steve stays in his chair on the balcony. He plays the conversation back over in his mind, worrying and wondering what the future will bring. He meant every word that he said; he’s going to fight for this, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to strong-arm Danny into something he’s not ready for. He accepts that he will need to be patient and give Danny breathing room to work through his grief and conflicting emotions. He redoubles his resolve to be whatever Danny needs him to be for now, and goes inside to get ready to leave for the day.

 

 

5o5o5o5o5o

 

 

The Williams house is much quieter today; there are far fewer people around than there have been for the last few days. Kids have gone back to school and spouses have returned to work, so it’s just Danny and his parents and sisters… and Steve. He feels momentarily awkward, but soon enough, he’s pulled into the fold once again. He helps straighten up, put dishes away, organize condolence cards – whatever he is asked to do. The atmosphere is heavy at first, but eventually that gives way to some lightness, as the siblings start sharing happy memories and funny stories about Matt, and laughing over ham sandwiches at lunch.

 

Steve volunteers to run a load of recycling down to the center, and as he’s leaving, Clara slips out the door with him. “I’ll come with you,” she says, to Steve’s sudden discomfort. He has no idea where this is going to go but he has a feeling he’s in for another disquieting conversation.

 

Clara chats idly for a while as Steve follows the directions he’s been given, and he wonders if maybe this won’t be the conversation he’s expecting.

 

“Steve, I wanted to come along with you so I could have the chance to thank you,” she eventually confesses.

 

“That’s not necessary, Ma’am. I’m happy to help in any way I can.”

 

“I’m not talking about the garbage run, Steven. I’m talking about what you’ve done for my son.”

 

“Oh… uh, okay…”

 

“Coming here with him was an incredibly kind thing to do, and I know you must care for him a lot if you’re here beside him at a time like this. But, I probably overstepped last night – and I wanted to apologize – I was running on too little sleep and too many Cabernets, I think,” she laughs sadly.

 

Steve glances side-ways at her. “It’s fine. You were maybe right about some things… for both of us… but I think Danny probably needs a little time to work through this, before he makes any big decisions about his life.” He has a flush creeping up his neck, feeling deeply uncomfortable with having any kind of conversation with Danny’s mother that even obliquely references this morning’s activities.

 

“You’re probably right. I should have kept my mouth shut. God, how many times have I said that before?” She sighs heavily. “Too many regrets…”

 

“No, don’t regret that. I don’t.” Steve smiles tentatively. “It was good for us to talk. I’m not sure where we’ll end up, but… it was good that we talked.”

 

Steve is watching where he’s driving but can tell that Clara is staring his way.

 

“Okay," she says eventually.  "Anyway, I really did just want to thank you for being here for Danny,” she smiles, less sadness there this time. “I hate to think of the condition he’d be in if you weren’t here, secreting him off to the study every now and then. So, thank you, Steven. No matter what might or might not happen between you and Danny, we’ll always hold you in our hearts.”

 

Steve finds that his throat is tight and his eyes are prickling. He has been repeatedly amazed at the love and affection this family tosses around so casually, so different from his own upbringing. A gravely “Yes, Ma’am,” is all Steve finds he can manage.

 

 

5o5o5o5o5o

 

 

Their flight is at 9:00pm that night. Another red-eye, but going the other way, which is even more exhausting. The ‘Williams Good-Bye’ is the longest yet, made longer by the return of the school-aged kids and spouses, but they start with plenty of time to finish. They are largely quiet as they drive toward the airport, both running on fumes after the emotional upheaval of the last several days. They board the plane and settle into their First-Class seats again, this time with no comment from Danny.

 

Steve senses that Danny does not want to talk right now, so he sits back and watches out the window as the plane climbs. He glances over at Danny: his brow is furrowed and he looks deep in thought, oblivious to anything around him. Wanting to offer comfort, Steve takes a chance and hesitantly reaches over to twine their hands together gently. Danny startles and looks up at him, and Steve is relieved that Danny doesn’t pull away, offering a small smile instead. But he doesn’t say anything and seems to quickly turn back to his thoughts. Danny sits with his eyes closed, in quiet contemplation, distractedly rubbing his thumb across the back of Steve’s hand. Steve wonders if he’s even aware that he’s doing it, but he doesn’t ask because he doesn’t want to take the chance that he might stop.

 

A couple of hours into the flight, Danny turns to him unexpectedly. “When did you decide?”

 

“What?”

 

“You said you had decided a long time ago that you wanted to be with me – when was that?”

 

“Um, in the parking garage – after it collapsed and I couldn’t find you at first. I thought you were dead and all I could think was that there was no way I could live without you. … When did you know?”

 

“Same thing, but North Korea.”

 

Steve stares at Danny, wide-eyed with disbelief. “Jesus – that was…”

 

“Three years ago? I know. It’s been more than a little frustrating, let me tell you.” Danny gives Steve a self-deprecating smile.

 

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

 

“Why didn’t you?” Danny retorts. “Besides, Cath was always coming in and out of the picture,” he shrugs. “I didn’t think you were interested.”

 

“’I’m sorry,” is the only thing Steve can think to say to that.

 

“Don’t be. You didn’t know.” Weariness infuses every word.

 

After several minutes of silence Steve thinks that’s all Danny is going to say for a while so he starts to settle down to try to get some sleep.

 

“I wanna be happy,” Steve hears Danny choke a little while later, and looks over to see his partner observing him, tears welling in his eyes.

 

“I know you do.”

 

“I loved my brother, but… I wanna be happy.” Danny blinks and a few tears slide unchecked down his cheek.

 

Steve’s heart soars at Danny's words, but the tears have him confused and he fights to keep his face neutral. “I want you to be happy, too, Danny, so whatever that takes, you let me know, okay?”

 

Danny looks at him for a moment and then just nods, wipes his face and closes his eye. Steve watches, mind racing as to the meaning of the exchange, wondering if he’ll say more. Eventually he sees Danny’s eyes moving behind his lids, and realizes his partner has fallen asleep, so he puts his head back and tries to do the same.

 

 

5o5o5o5o5o

 

 

Neither of them sleep on the second flight: Danny seems to be working things over in his head; and Steve sits with apprehension, glancing regularly at his partner, wondering what conclusion he will reach. They occasionally chat about mundane things, but Danny is apparently not going to expand on his line of thought from earlier and Steve is steadfast in his determination not to push.

 

They arrive at 3:30am Hawaii-time, and they both have new lines of exhaustion etching into their features. Steve’s truck is where he left it on Monday afternoon so he delivers Danny home, hauling Danny’s suitcase in for him, despite his partner’s protestations that he is capable. He deposits the bag in the bedroom and comes back out to find Danny swaying wearily on his feet in the kitchen.

 

“You okay?”

 

Danny looks up and scrubs a hand down his face. “Yeah… yeah, just… tired, you know?”

 

Steve feels awkward, not entirely sure what he should do. He wants desperately to stay close to Danny, but admits to himself that after so many days of being virtually attached at the hip, his partner could probably use some space right now. “Yeah, I know. Okay, I uh, I guess I’m gonna take off. Try to get some decent sleep, Danno.”

 

As Steve turns to go, though, Danny grabs his wrist and pulls him back into a tight embrace, tucking his face into Steve’s neck and sighing deeply. Steve closes his eyes tightly and squeezes back, unsure of what exactly this is. But he thinks if he could, he’d stay rooted to this spot just like this, for the rest of his life.

 

“Stay,” he hears Danny murmur quietly after a moment.

 

“What?” Steve asks, pulling back a little to try to read his partner’s expression.

 

“I want you to stay... tonight… every night… forever.”

 

Danny is looking up at him with his soulful blue eyes, and Steve frantically tries to read the intension in them. “Danny… Are you sure?” His heart is pounding in his chest.

 

Danny nods and for the first time in a long time, the smile on his face, though small, actually reaches his eyes. “Let’s be happy, Steven.”

 

“Yeah, that sounds really good, Danno. Really good…” Steve pulls Danny back into a tight embrace, closes his eyes and smiles into Danny’s ruffled hair.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and indulging my need for catharsis. And for your comments! I love them! Hearing what you think/like/don't like, helps me and makes me happy! 
> 
> Oh, also... Sorry about the tooth-brushing thing. It's one if my personal 'icks' and I just don't think I could ever write morning sex without brushing teeth first... Apologies for inflicting my raging neuroses on all of you!


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